The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Sunday, November 03, 2002

Fuckin'-a...UT pulled one out today aganist Nebraska. Too bad they're still on the outside looking in as far as a national title is concerned. Then again, Dallas (Cotton Bowl) is a lot less of a drive than San Diego (Holiday Bowl).

So New York goes up against the world for the 2012 Olympics, huh? I admit, the symbolism would be nice. But I doubt that it'll get the bid. Seriously, everyone says the subway system is slow enough (at least on Manhattan Island) over there. You think people would want to spend half their day just in transit?

So I was supposed to go to church yesterday morning, but I didn't. Felt like crap with a sore throat. But I felt even worse afterwards. You see, yesterday would have been my brother's 33rd birthday. My folks went to celebrate All Saint's Day, as well as his memory. I didn't, and felt guilty for most of the day. It's funny... seven years removed from his leaving this world, and I'm still not sure I've dealt with his passing in the best way possible. He'd been the closest person to me to pass away to that point (and to this day as well, thank goodness). And I remember trying to tell myself that I'd live in a way that would honor him. 12 college semesters, 6 jobs, 3 ex-girlfriends, and 2 speeding tickets later, it seems I've been doing anything but. Don't get me wrong, he was going along somewhat the same path when he was my age. But most people say that we was just starting to turn things around when the accident happened. Which, now that I think about it, makes me worry about turning things around myself. (I'd always made the sick joke that when I turn 25, I'd stay in bed for a whole year so I could see 26...)

I've been wondering a lot about some big things lately (thanks to Teri and the Sports Guy). Teri's post kind of reminded me about something I'd been neglecting for a while, namely, my faith. I admit, I wasn't the world's greatest Catholic (I had a spell a few months ago of referring to myself as a "Catholic atheist"), but I figured I'd been okay, at least lately. But after closer inspection, turns out I wasn't all that after all. I really can't explain why, but it feels like I've been out of touch with God and everything else these past few months. The whole "trying to graduate and get a good job" thing sort of took precedence over everything else in my life. Add on frustrations with the parents, drama with Suzanne, and other stuff, and religion just found a convenient back seat. Not to mention that I still have issues with Him about my brother, but that's for another blog.

As with Bill Simmons, I'm bummed because of a lack of dreams. I mean, I've had passing wants and wishes (being a game show contestant or host, becoming a photographer, becoming a stand-up comic, etc.), but nothing that's had me so on fire that everything I did was toward that goal. Not to mention the fact that I've always had my folks to keep them in check.

What do you do when you don't have any real reason to get up in the morning?

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