I came to a conclusion today. I've tried to run from this fact throughout most of high school and all of college, but I think I've come to a painful acceptance of something that pretty much sums up who I really am, and not the person I try to portray to others.
I'm shy.
Here's how I found this out tonight. I was out at a local music venue, enjoying their weekly Swing Night. Free lessons, followed by a band of some swing variety. (Tonight, the Bop Kings, a pretty decent little rockabilly band. My only complaint: they used a drum machine, which is blasphemous to people like me.) I had gone a couple of times before, the instructors recognized me. The lessons went pretty well, then the actual dance started. That's when I reverted back to my old wallflowerself. The person who I thought I got rid of back in 1994. Only a couple of times did I ask anyone to dance, most of the time, it was me sitting and watching everyone else until some cool gal asked me to dance. When I was dancing, I was actually enjoying myself. But when I was just sitting and watching...well, not so much fun.
I ended up leaving at around 9:30 or so, but I soon had to return (left my tab open at the bar). I got back, closed my tab, and decided to try one last time to salvage the evening. I did get one dance (to Louis Prima's "Just a Gigolo"), but even that wasn't enough. I left again, hung out at my friend John's place, and stood around for a half hour while watching him and his roommate install a car stereo.
Got back here, did some web surfing, installed a new cam that I purchased, then went to Match.com. (I recently put a profile up, and no, you can't see it.) I looked around for a little bit, then saw the profile of a cute gal whose description I read before (it takes guts to mention you watch Fox News Channel in a personal ad). But then I read the following line:
My turnoffs include road rage, stinky breath, intolerance for others' differences, shyness or lack of self-confidence, arrogance, and being late all the time.
Pretty much the kiss of death for me. I mean, I brush, practice defensive driving, I'm pretty tolerant as well as punctual. But I know if I try to respond, I'll be fighting this shy thing the whole time.
Lord knows I can hide it well sometimes. Just ask a certain smart-ass AP, or any other readers of this blog who actually know me offline. But, for whatever reason, I can't seem to shake it. Any ideas on how I can try?
I'm shy.
Here's how I found this out tonight. I was out at a local music venue, enjoying their weekly Swing Night. Free lessons, followed by a band of some swing variety. (Tonight, the Bop Kings, a pretty decent little rockabilly band. My only complaint: they used a drum machine, which is blasphemous to people like me.) I had gone a couple of times before, the instructors recognized me. The lessons went pretty well, then the actual dance started. That's when I reverted back to my old wallflowerself. The person who I thought I got rid of back in 1994. Only a couple of times did I ask anyone to dance, most of the time, it was me sitting and watching everyone else until some cool gal asked me to dance. When I was dancing, I was actually enjoying myself. But when I was just sitting and watching...well, not so much fun.
I ended up leaving at around 9:30 or so, but I soon had to return (left my tab open at the bar). I got back, closed my tab, and decided to try one last time to salvage the evening. I did get one dance (to Louis Prima's "Just a Gigolo"), but even that wasn't enough. I left again, hung out at my friend John's place, and stood around for a half hour while watching him and his roommate install a car stereo.
Got back here, did some web surfing, installed a new cam that I purchased, then went to Match.com. (I recently put a profile up, and no, you can't see it.) I looked around for a little bit, then saw the profile of a cute gal whose description I read before (it takes guts to mention you watch Fox News Channel in a personal ad). But then I read the following line:
My turnoffs include road rage, stinky breath, intolerance for others' differences, shyness or lack of self-confidence, arrogance, and being late all the time.
Pretty much the kiss of death for me. I mean, I brush, practice defensive driving, I'm pretty tolerant as well as punctual. But I know if I try to respond, I'll be fighting this shy thing the whole time.
Lord knows I can hide it well sometimes. Just ask a certain smart-ass AP, or any other readers of this blog who actually know me offline. But, for whatever reason, I can't seem to shake it. Any ideas on how I can try?
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